Rereading
I'm rereading some of my previous journal entries right now. One thing is clear about me: I am and was a blazing idiot, especially when it comes to relating to others, especially in matters of love.
Reality check:
None of them loved me. None of them returned my feelings, or had crushes, or were playing hard to get. They saw me as a friend, not to mention a girl who was and is mentally challenged, and out of the goodness of their hearts, they were kind to me. Or, in some cases, they saw someone they could and can victimize, and they hurt me and used me to whatever extent they wanted.
Another reality check:
No one would miss me if I were to jump from the Golden Gate Bridge tomorrow. Considering how much some of these folks have hated me, they would eventually feel relief. Not initially - at first they would mourn and be angry. But it would fade. They wouldn't be bringing up great memories about me because their greatest memories are of causing me unbearable pain. Or trying to avoid my clingy, jealous, obsessive behaviors, trying to handle the burdens I've saddled them with. They WOULD all be better off without me.
Except for Logan.
Logan is the only one who needs me. And even though a parent is never supposed to admit this - I need him.
I love him so much.
So of course I won't jump. I will not kill myself. At least, if I do, I will wait until he's an adult. And I'll try to make it look like an accident, so he doesn't carry that added pain with him. I will spare him as much suffering as possible.
The thing that scares me is, aside from Logan, I'm all by myself. No one loves me. They all hate me. I would LOVE to medicate to escape all this pain, but I CAN'T. But I need to escape or at least compartmentalize somehow.
I'll need to figure this out someday. The art of long-term endurance. For today, I'll just try to fall asleep extra early.
And I hate to even admit this:
There are some times when, much to my incredible shame, I hate them all right back. There are times when I just HATE them all and feel nothing but malice. And then I feel ashamed and believe it is the creatures in my head forcing these feelings. I don't know what to do about the hate. I try to out-love it.
Reality check:
None of them loved me. None of them returned my feelings, or had crushes, or were playing hard to get. They saw me as a friend, not to mention a girl who was and is mentally challenged, and out of the goodness of their hearts, they were kind to me. Or, in some cases, they saw someone they could and can victimize, and they hurt me and used me to whatever extent they wanted.
Another reality check:
No one would miss me if I were to jump from the Golden Gate Bridge tomorrow. Considering how much some of these folks have hated me, they would eventually feel relief. Not initially - at first they would mourn and be angry. But it would fade. They wouldn't be bringing up great memories about me because their greatest memories are of causing me unbearable pain. Or trying to avoid my clingy, jealous, obsessive behaviors, trying to handle the burdens I've saddled them with. They WOULD all be better off without me.
Except for Logan.
Logan is the only one who needs me. And even though a parent is never supposed to admit this - I need him.
I love him so much.
So of course I won't jump. I will not kill myself. At least, if I do, I will wait until he's an adult. And I'll try to make it look like an accident, so he doesn't carry that added pain with him. I will spare him as much suffering as possible.
The thing that scares me is, aside from Logan, I'm all by myself. No one loves me. They all hate me. I would LOVE to medicate to escape all this pain, but I CAN'T. But I need to escape or at least compartmentalize somehow.
I'll need to figure this out someday. The art of long-term endurance. For today, I'll just try to fall asleep extra early.
And I hate to even admit this:
There are some times when, much to my incredible shame, I hate them all right back. There are times when I just HATE them all and feel nothing but malice. And then I feel ashamed and believe it is the creatures in my head forcing these feelings. I don't know what to do about the hate. I try to out-love it.
posted by Yvea at 4:28 PM
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