And if I seem more heartless than usual, I promise I'm not meaning to be. I'm terrified and stressed out.
My abuser is getting out of jail next month. That's in a few short weeks from now. I'm not trying to take attention away from the movement. If I didn't know his exact release date, I would be fully emotionally engaged, and I know that in terms of my actions, I am and will always be loyal to the movement.
What my private thoughts here are about, are that my immediate safety might be in danger in less than a month. That's what I'm worried about.
I was already feeling guilty about calling the police. My abuser was an expert at blaming me for that. The people in my life who have had negative experiences with the police tried their best to be supportive of me when I was struggling, and I blame myself for not being more mindful of them. Even at their most supportive, I could hear the resentment in their voices when it came to the mention of the police. They said, "Well, I'm glad the police could help you and for once do their jobs. Too bad that's not how they usually are" or "Wow! The police actually protected someone for once?!" And while I know they're glad I'm safe, that I even called the police at all feels like a betrayal of them when I hear the pain and anger in their voices.
Maybe I shouldn't have told them about it. I shouldn't have triggered them that way. I realize that now. I should have realized that a lot sooner.
I have privilege that I could call the police and not be killed.
Though, there were many, many times before then when I had been harmed or assaulted or abused and was in need of help, and instead I was questioned about everything I did wrong that led to my abuse. I wouldn't say I've always been protected from the abuse, not at all. That I was lucky to get help with my abusive husband (now estranged, and I won't be going back to him), shouldn't feel like a privilege, but it does. And I feel the resentment they have for that privilege.
But guilt, feelings, that's not what this movement is about. It's about people losing their lives to police. About Black people, in particular, losing their lives. About Black men (women too, but people are far more concerned about Black men's encounters, abuse, and deaths at the hands of the police). In light of what they have suffered, saying anything other than "abolish the police" would be beyond heartless of me.
Abolish the police.
My abuser is getting out of jail next month. That's in a few short weeks from now. I'm not trying to take attention away from the movement. If I didn't know his exact release date, I would be fully emotionally engaged, and I know that in terms of my actions, I am and will always be loyal to the movement.
What my private thoughts here are about, are that my immediate safety might be in danger in less than a month. That's what I'm worried about.
I was already feeling guilty about calling the police. My abuser was an expert at blaming me for that. The people in my life who have had negative experiences with the police tried their best to be supportive of me when I was struggling, and I blame myself for not being more mindful of them. Even at their most supportive, I could hear the resentment in their voices when it came to the mention of the police. They said, "Well, I'm glad the police could help you and for once do their jobs. Too bad that's not how they usually are" or "Wow! The police actually protected someone for once?!" And while I know they're glad I'm safe, that I even called the police at all feels like a betrayal of them when I hear the pain and anger in their voices.
Maybe I shouldn't have told them about it. I shouldn't have triggered them that way. I realize that now. I should have realized that a lot sooner.
I have privilege that I could call the police and not be killed.
Though, there were many, many times before then when I had been harmed or assaulted or abused and was in need of help, and instead I was questioned about everything I did wrong that led to my abuse. I wouldn't say I've always been protected from the abuse, not at all. That I was lucky to get help with my abusive husband (now estranged, and I won't be going back to him), shouldn't feel like a privilege, but it does. And I feel the resentment they have for that privilege.
But guilt, feelings, that's not what this movement is about. It's about people losing their lives to police. About Black people, in particular, losing their lives. About Black men (women too, but people are far more concerned about Black men's encounters, abuse, and deaths at the hands of the police). In light of what they have suffered, saying anything other than "abolish the police" would be beyond heartless of me.
Abolish the police.
posted by Yvea at 9:49 PM
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