Also, reminder: Summer Seasonal Affective Disorder is a thing.

The symptoms are starting up.  It's been quite hot out recently, very sunny, with almost summery skies.  This, after having peaceful fog for a couple of heavenly weeks.

Now the intrusive thoughts are getting worse.  I keep fearing Death.  The voices tell me I'll be dying soon, that I thought it into existence.  I keep thinking of Nana.  Her death anniversary is coming up in July.  I keep remembering that day, everything about my Nana.  I remember our times together, my fear from the time I was a teenager because she has always been delicate, almost frail, though warm and strong in her love.  I worried about her.  I was right to worry. I need to cry.

No.  Benjamin, you asshole.  I won't.  You ruined it.  I hear your words in my head when I even think the word "cry".  You sexually assaulted me.  You can't lie about it and claim it was consensual when I was struggling and telling you no.  When I had just told you that I wasn't interested in you that way.  What you did was sexual assault.  You belong back in jail.  You didn't go then, and you got away with it. And you kept on harassing me.

I can't cry anymore because of your assault on me.

Am I ever going to overcome all the traumas if I can't do that thing with the tears (I don't want to use the other word.  No triggered memories, please).

I should die, the voices say, because I couldn't protect Nana.  I should have sensed something was happening.  I should never have left that night.  Thank you, river, for finding her and holding her gently.  Thank you for loving her.  Nana, I'm so sorry.  I should have been there, so I could have made it not happen.  If I'd been there, it would never have happened.

Am I really going to spend all summer, the next however many months, feeling like I should die?  With the worsening symptoms and word policing in my head?  How?  Is it only fear I'm withstanding, or do I need to protect the people who are left and make sure nothing bad happens by thinking the exact right thoughts and sensing what's going to happen and do the exact right thing so everyone stays safe and healthy.

I can't go back to him.  I feel guilty.  Please don't let him die!  I feel guilty because of who he used to be.  But he is different.  No - even back then, he was abusive.  But there were sweeter moments, kinder memories, that took up more space, to fade away the abuse.  I had thought that those moments were who he is.  And he is that person.  But he's also the abuser. :( He's both people in one person.  He will never stop abusing me or Logan.

I need to step away for Logan.  I need to do better for my son!