on being ignored
So it wasn't bad enough when my I-YEL friends abandoned me at the end of senior year, just because I had an embarrassing crush. And it wasn't bad enough when certain PICAn folks shut me and Adam out of the group; I clawed my way back in and made an embarrassment of myself.
Now my family's doing the same thing, yet again.
I adapted when my grandparents shut me out - I took on guilt and shame for that for a long time. When Mom and Dad alternated between who wasn't speaking to me, I felt shame for that too. When Dad left my life, I spent a very long time in the bargaining stage. And now he's liking things on my Mom's page, while totally ignoring me as always.
Mom did respond to some of my text messages today. But she doesn't respond far more often than she does. As I've known since I was a teenager, she has her own life to live. I'm not priority anymore. And maybe that's a part of growing up. Maybe it's all my other abandonment issues rearing their heads.
As for Daniel... I thought we were doing well. I thought all the bad times were behind us. Then, a month ago out of gracious nowhere, he's accusing me yet again of being unfaithful. I HAVE NEVER BEEN UNFAITHFUL! His hurtful words led to another fight, more hurt feelings for me... He even said that he has no friends, nobody. I believed him... until yesterday afternoon, when I happened to look at our phone records. During the last month, including smack in the middle of when he was accusing me of being unfaithful, he's been making a lot of phone calls to ONE phone number. Not only that, but it's the timing of those calls. First thing in the morning. Last thing at night, after he's told me that he already is going to bed. We're talking, he tells me at 9 or 10 that he's going to sleep, and he's talking to that number at 11:30 at night. I was furious.
I admit that I blew up at him. I am SO TIRED of his lies. This is a pattern with him. But seeing that call log was like a punch in the gut. He said it was a woman named Paula, a friend of his, who is somewhere between 20 and 30 years old (our approximate age), who he claims he isn't attracted to (but who, by Facebook where she friended him, looks a LOT like me! Right down to being biracial!), who he told me about only once before, but not as a friend - his story about her was that he HAD TO escort her to Citywide one day, during a time when he was BANNED from going there, because his Baker House asked him to (and he didn't bother telling them about the ban, which could have cost him even MORE time away from us if it had been found out - and whose to say it wasn't?), and he warned me that some folks might accuse him of cheating since he was there with her. Yeah... he failed to mention that she was one of the "friends" who he wanted to watch movies with at the Baker House program, which was when he borrowed all my movies, when he couldn't even be bothered to spend time with me. Yeah, apparently they and some other folks have been hanging out, going out and going places. And he had the nerve to LIE to me and claim he had no friends...
After I blew up at him, I couldn't stop crying. I questioned if I should walk away from him, let him live his life how he wants to. He talked me into staying. And then today, he said I made him really sad yesterday. I feel ashamed and guilty. I apologized, and I meant it. We texted for a bit, before he abruptly stopped texting me, like he has many times before. But now, with my new knowledge, I'm betting he's talking to someone else instead. Either Paula, or Patrick, or any of these friends who he never acknowledged even existed, let alone introduced me to...
And I remember that he never apologized for lying to me. Or for accusing me of being unfaithful WHILE lying to me. And that he still hasn't mentioned introducing me to them.
And I wonder... is it worth it to feel so worthless again to him?
People ignore me. They clearly feel they can do this without worrying about my feelings on the matter. I don't ignore them. It doesn't mean I am entitled to their attention - just that I recognize that being ignored by them hurts.
They always come back to doing this.
Maybe there's a place for them.
Now my family's doing the same thing, yet again.
I adapted when my grandparents shut me out - I took on guilt and shame for that for a long time. When Mom and Dad alternated between who wasn't speaking to me, I felt shame for that too. When Dad left my life, I spent a very long time in the bargaining stage. And now he's liking things on my Mom's page, while totally ignoring me as always.
Mom did respond to some of my text messages today. But she doesn't respond far more often than she does. As I've known since I was a teenager, she has her own life to live. I'm not priority anymore. And maybe that's a part of growing up. Maybe it's all my other abandonment issues rearing their heads.
As for Daniel... I thought we were doing well. I thought all the bad times were behind us. Then, a month ago out of gracious nowhere, he's accusing me yet again of being unfaithful. I HAVE NEVER BEEN UNFAITHFUL! His hurtful words led to another fight, more hurt feelings for me... He even said that he has no friends, nobody. I believed him... until yesterday afternoon, when I happened to look at our phone records. During the last month, including smack in the middle of when he was accusing me of being unfaithful, he's been making a lot of phone calls to ONE phone number. Not only that, but it's the timing of those calls. First thing in the morning. Last thing at night, after he's told me that he already is going to bed. We're talking, he tells me at 9 or 10 that he's going to sleep, and he's talking to that number at 11:30 at night. I was furious.
I admit that I blew up at him. I am SO TIRED of his lies. This is a pattern with him. But seeing that call log was like a punch in the gut. He said it was a woman named Paula, a friend of his, who is somewhere between 20 and 30 years old (our approximate age), who he claims he isn't attracted to (but who, by Facebook where she friended him, looks a LOT like me! Right down to being biracial!), who he told me about only once before, but not as a friend - his story about her was that he HAD TO escort her to Citywide one day, during a time when he was BANNED from going there, because his Baker House asked him to (and he didn't bother telling them about the ban, which could have cost him even MORE time away from us if it had been found out - and whose to say it wasn't?), and he warned me that some folks might accuse him of cheating since he was there with her. Yeah... he failed to mention that she was one of the "friends" who he wanted to watch movies with at the Baker House program, which was when he borrowed all my movies, when he couldn't even be bothered to spend time with me. Yeah, apparently they and some other folks have been hanging out, going out and going places. And he had the nerve to LIE to me and claim he had no friends...
After I blew up at him, I couldn't stop crying. I questioned if I should walk away from him, let him live his life how he wants to. He talked me into staying. And then today, he said I made him really sad yesterday. I feel ashamed and guilty. I apologized, and I meant it. We texted for a bit, before he abruptly stopped texting me, like he has many times before. But now, with my new knowledge, I'm betting he's talking to someone else instead. Either Paula, or Patrick, or any of these friends who he never acknowledged even existed, let alone introduced me to...
And I remember that he never apologized for lying to me. Or for accusing me of being unfaithful WHILE lying to me. And that he still hasn't mentioned introducing me to them.
And I wonder... is it worth it to feel so worthless again to him?
People ignore me. They clearly feel they can do this without worrying about my feelings on the matter. I don't ignore them. It doesn't mean I am entitled to their attention - just that I recognize that being ignored by them hurts.
They always come back to doing this.
Maybe there's a place for them.
posted by Yvea at 10:36 PM
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