revelation

For the past few months, I've been saying I hate people, and it's caused me a great deal of turmoil saying and thinking that.  It felt wrong to say it, like blasphemous or something.  There was also something that felt incongruent about it, like that wasn't the real thing I was feeling, like that something else was the source of my pain, though I didn't realize that until recently... I could swear that 'hating people' was how I felt on the surface, but it was because I wasn't understanding what was really going on beneath it all...

Today I've finally had a revelation that makes sense.

The reality is, people make me want to cry, a lot of the time.  People make me sad.  But I have no idea how to cry anymore. Some sick individuals hurt me too severely when I did cry, and now, I'm... I don't know.  I don't know how to describe how I'm feeling.  Everything's not OK under the surface.  But I'm not supposed to talk about it.  And now, people have proven to me why not.  At first, I had stopped talking about it because I thought it was a burden to people.  Then a few people said I could confide in them.  Most of them, with very few exceptions, wound up stabbing me in the back - the ones who didn't, I felt I was unfairly burdening.  In other words, I stopped being able to confide in most people.  So now, what do I do?  Find more people to trust again?  Open up to the very few people I have left and risk alienating them too?  Or just learn to take better care of myself, so I don't need to seek people to confide in at all?  I'll take the latter one.