I care about Nature. Nature is the one who has taken care of me for all this time and shown me compassion for the whole world.

I became selfish at times; I wanted too much for the other people in my life, whom I adored, to spend more time with me. It used to hurt me to no end when ----- would begin to spend time with me and suddenly get pulled away by someone else. Actually, come to think of it, this also used to happen with someone else, someone in my family, _______. I was torn between feeling that ------ had high regards and a lot of respect for me, and between feeling that ------ didn't even care enough to put aside that time to hang out with me, one-on-one. But then there were those times that we did... And then I fell in love with him again. But he was with someone else...

Now, what do I do? The people I care about most, seem to be out of reach. There are others I care about and love, but they do not seem to give me personal space. I am looking for the person who can read my mood without me having to say much of anything, realize how sad I am most of the time, and - instead of shunning me - can wrap their arms around me, keep me warm, and comfort me, love me, until I can smile again. I just want someone who cares ...and yet, there are people who care, in their own ways, even without being very near to me. Like Jeff. He reaches out to me so much. I miss Jeff. He is someone special to me. I am so happy that he is becoming a father.. I want to be there for him, and his partner and his baby.

I am sorry, ------- - I am not suicidal, and I was wrong to say I was. I get depressed. I don't want to die, but I am so afraid... I have flashes in my mind of plunging off the Golden Gate Bridge. When you disappeared five months ago, for that long month of no communication of any sort ...a voice in my head whispered to kill myself, to stop the misery. But it was a terrible thing to think of doing. It is still terrible. I'm not supposed to die - I am supposed to live and take care of Nature for the rest of my life, even through pain and harshness, even through loneliness. And if I die tomorrow, I must die with a smile on my face and with a strong heart. No tears - except for joy at having lived.

I will not commit suicide. I will reduce myself to lying in bed, disconnected from reality, before I do that. Then, I can go back to that "Other World" where my mentor Elfangor used to live. But I can never go back to imagining, or creating, a guy in my head who will love me. I have experienced something like it in reality, even if only for a fleeting moment. I can no longer pretend it to be happening. I live with the knowledge of loss.

I love.
You all.

Smile for me,
~Yvea