I am going to be OK

I am going to be OK.  It doesn't feel that way sometimes, but I can't let anyone take away the strength and hope I do have.  Do I feel badly that my husband is locked away in jail?  Yes, I do.  Do I feel badly that I can't help him?  More than I can ever say.

But that's not because I wasn't trying.  I cannot live his actions for him; he must choose his own steps.

I could and already do forgive him for harming me so many times.  But could I excuse him?  I've tried to before.  But then what happened?  Last week, he kicked me repeatedly in the back because I couldn't stop the physical spasms I always get when I am either stressed, in pain, or trying to fall asleep (my body does not release tension easily).  He accused me of orgasming to the voices he hears, the ones who are constantly saying evil scary things to him about how I betrayed him.  I have not betrayed him.  I didn't cheat on him.  I don't invite people into our home to harm him.  I don't harm him.

When I excuse him, he continues harming me.

And yet I don't know what to do to help him.  So maybe I should trust in his public defender, in the people from jail reentry, in his potential caseworker/therapists, and in the others in his court who want him to do better.  Maybe I can trust them and him to help him get better.

But I will be OK.  No matter what people do, no matter how they try to hurt me.  Because I remembered to love myself finally.  I will be OK.

I will survive and thrive.  I won't give up.