sad dilemmas
I need to think about this stuff and sort it through somewhere. I'm not supposed to talk about it; I'm turning over a new leaf and I don't want to blurt out other people's business. So I'm not going to talk about it. Instead, I will write about it, so that maybe, looking back, I can be inspired by what I find.
I almost just told Dad a piece of business about my other two parents. That wouldn't have done good - instead, it might have just refueled the family feud. Dad was chastising me, saying that I should not be traveling around. I responded that I have to be traveling around-- then broke off and said that because my stuff is in two places, I need to bring it all to the same place before I leave for Santa Cruz. The dilemma I'm caught in is, my stuff is split in between two households: my mother's and my godmother's. My mother has offered to take me to Santa Cruz on Saturday and help me to move in. I knew that I had to make it over to my godmother's place to get the rest of my stuff. My godmother understandably doesn't want me carrying all of it on the bus - it's a lot of stuff, I have a bad back, and I'm sick. I would want to spend time sorting all of it out, so that if I asked my mom to help me pick up all my stuff (she has a car), she would not have to wait for me to pack everything first. She could just show up, load up the stuff, and go back home. I'm trying to talk with her about all my concerns, but I do not feel that she is listening either (at least not right now). She's walking around the house saying, "Obama b*tches" over and over again.
There's another sense I'm getting, the underlying thing that makes this situation so uncomfortable for me. My godmother does not like it when I take my stuff from her place. She gets very emotional, and I want to be sympathetic to this, because my other parents say that they are not. She asked me a few times, Is it because you don't like living over here anymore? That's not it. I just need my space sometimes. I've tried to express this, many many times, and I don't feel like I'm being heard. So perhaps, should I find a conversation, a way of presenting all this to her, that works, and stick to repeating it if the situation keeps recurring? I would be happy to do that. I need my things, yet I do not want her to feel as though I am abandoning her. At the same time, I wish that my mother had offered to arrange for times to help me with getting my things. I really wish that I had some support, and I think that mom would be able to support me more than my godmother right now.
Today, I went to my godmother's home and got a bunch of my clothes. I went when both parents were at work, because I was afraid that my godmother would get upset if she saw me trying to cart my stuff home in the rain, and I was afraid that my mother and she would get into another argument (which usually ends with my godmother sobbing and my mother shouting). I used a cart to transport my things to mom's place. It was very hard on my back but worth it. While I was at her place, I began to get cold and dizzy. The symptoms persisted for a long time and continued during my walk home (though they improved somewhat when I put an extra four layers on). When I got home, my mom had arrived, and she offered to drive me back by my godmother's place to drop off a heavy suitcase of books. We did, and she dropped me off a couple blocks from home. Even that greatly helped me.
The plan, in our case, was that I would have my room (at mom's place) cleaned out by Saturday because she wants to remodel it. I had known that she wanted it reorganized, but I had not realized that I would have to thoroughly clean it out in so little time - I found this out during the Las Vegas trip. I decided to sort the stuff I want from what I don't and to come back to San Francisco to have a garage sale, make some money. So I am supposed to keep my stuff in my godmother's basement until then. I discovered today that she has vacated that space, and I am not sure why. Also, my cousin Ange (as I learned earlier this week) is moving into my old room, temporarily. So ...it looks as though I am responsible for sorting things out between both my rooms before I leave on Saturday.
I feel so disoriented. I'm not sure what to do. I feel that I have to satisfy these two women, or they're tear each other and me apart. I've tried to distance myself from winding up in this situation, but I invariably get dragged in. I need to get all my stuff out, is the bottom line, and quickly. There's no one free to help me, and I cannot drive. I feel overwhelmed.
To start with, I think I will stay up tonight and sort as many of my papers as I can from over here. Then tomorrow morning I can shred them and set out early for my godmother's place. I shall need to be patient with some of her mannerisms; for example, she moves around and reshuffles my things, even when I ask her to let them be. She also gives away or loans out things of mine, that usually I care about or that sometimes come back in poorer repair (for example, she took all my animated movies, including my copy of The Rescuers Down Under, to her children's library without letting me know, and the drawing of Bernard and Bianca that one of the movie artists drew and gave to me when I was a little girl, the one slipped between the jacket covers, did not return with the movie). I feel horrible for being this stingy and selfish; after all, it's in her nature to share things. I should be more willing to share my things with other people. It seems silly to care about these things; after all, they're just material possession, they're temporary anyway. But some things you care more about; sometimes, when other people are careless with things that matter to you, it hurts. And I do not want it to hurt me anymore. I want to be patient and so much more generous.
I almost just told Dad a piece of business about my other two parents. That wouldn't have done good - instead, it might have just refueled the family feud. Dad was chastising me, saying that I should not be traveling around. I responded that I have to be traveling around-- then broke off and said that because my stuff is in two places, I need to bring it all to the same place before I leave for Santa Cruz. The dilemma I'm caught in is, my stuff is split in between two households: my mother's and my godmother's. My mother has offered to take me to Santa Cruz on Saturday and help me to move in. I knew that I had to make it over to my godmother's place to get the rest of my stuff. My godmother understandably doesn't want me carrying all of it on the bus - it's a lot of stuff, I have a bad back, and I'm sick. I would want to spend time sorting all of it out, so that if I asked my mom to help me pick up all my stuff (she has a car), she would not have to wait for me to pack everything first. She could just show up, load up the stuff, and go back home. I'm trying to talk with her about all my concerns, but I do not feel that she is listening either (at least not right now). She's walking around the house saying, "Obama b*tches" over and over again.
There's another sense I'm getting, the underlying thing that makes this situation so uncomfortable for me. My godmother does not like it when I take my stuff from her place. She gets very emotional, and I want to be sympathetic to this, because my other parents say that they are not. She asked me a few times, Is it because you don't like living over here anymore? That's not it. I just need my space sometimes. I've tried to express this, many many times, and I don't feel like I'm being heard. So perhaps, should I find a conversation, a way of presenting all this to her, that works, and stick to repeating it if the situation keeps recurring? I would be happy to do that. I need my things, yet I do not want her to feel as though I am abandoning her. At the same time, I wish that my mother had offered to arrange for times to help me with getting my things. I really wish that I had some support, and I think that mom would be able to support me more than my godmother right now.
Today, I went to my godmother's home and got a bunch of my clothes. I went when both parents were at work, because I was afraid that my godmother would get upset if she saw me trying to cart my stuff home in the rain, and I was afraid that my mother and she would get into another argument (which usually ends with my godmother sobbing and my mother shouting). I used a cart to transport my things to mom's place. It was very hard on my back but worth it. While I was at her place, I began to get cold and dizzy. The symptoms persisted for a long time and continued during my walk home (though they improved somewhat when I put an extra four layers on). When I got home, my mom had arrived, and she offered to drive me back by my godmother's place to drop off a heavy suitcase of books. We did, and she dropped me off a couple blocks from home. Even that greatly helped me.
The plan, in our case, was that I would have my room (at mom's place) cleaned out by Saturday because she wants to remodel it. I had known that she wanted it reorganized, but I had not realized that I would have to thoroughly clean it out in so little time - I found this out during the Las Vegas trip. I decided to sort the stuff I want from what I don't and to come back to San Francisco to have a garage sale, make some money. So I am supposed to keep my stuff in my godmother's basement until then. I discovered today that she has vacated that space, and I am not sure why. Also, my cousin Ange (as I learned earlier this week) is moving into my old room, temporarily. So ...it looks as though I am responsible for sorting things out between both my rooms before I leave on Saturday.
I feel so disoriented. I'm not sure what to do. I feel that I have to satisfy these two women, or they're tear each other and me apart. I've tried to distance myself from winding up in this situation, but I invariably get dragged in. I need to get all my stuff out, is the bottom line, and quickly. There's no one free to help me, and I cannot drive. I feel overwhelmed.
To start with, I think I will stay up tonight and sort as many of my papers as I can from over here. Then tomorrow morning I can shred them and set out early for my godmother's place. I shall need to be patient with some of her mannerisms; for example, she moves around and reshuffles my things, even when I ask her to let them be. She also gives away or loans out things of mine, that usually I care about or that sometimes come back in poorer repair (for example, she took all my animated movies, including my copy of The Rescuers Down Under, to her children's library without letting me know, and the drawing of Bernard and Bianca that one of the movie artists drew and gave to me when I was a little girl, the one slipped between the jacket covers, did not return with the movie). I feel horrible for being this stingy and selfish; after all, it's in her nature to share things. I should be more willing to share my things with other people. It seems silly to care about these things; after all, they're just material possession, they're temporary anyway. But some things you care more about; sometimes, when other people are careless with things that matter to you, it hurts. And I do not want it to hurt me anymore. I want to be patient and so much more generous.
posted by Yvea at 8:13 PM
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